With the winter term complete, the bi-annual changing of the guard at Columbia Lake Village is well underway. Among the ranks of the departed are snow, ice, and primates. My housemates and I have cleaned up and evacuated to air-conditioned lands. And if I do say so myself, we left the place looking much better than it was when we got there. I’ll miss CLV South, and I’ll miss complaining about it. It wasn’t that good, and it wasn’t that bad. I guess that’s what happens when you spend 8 months anywhere. At the end of it all, it’s just average.
I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit imagining what will happen in that house when nobody’s there to hear it. It usually goes along the lines of a step-by-step undoing of the process of moving in. Behold, the Twelve Weeks of Spring Term.
WEEK 1 — Our bug spray perimeter weakens and ants burrow into the house from underneath our radiators, marked by piles of dirt. Not that it’d matter, since there are plenty of cracks in the ground for them to crawl out from anyway. One way or another, they’re getting in.
WEEK 2 — Sustained rains trigger a mass migration of spiders up into the portico. Columbia Lake notices the spider and ant presence, and decides it wants in on the action. Entire paths are lost underneath puddles as the lake colonizes its namesake village.
WEEK 3 — As the rains let up, Columbia Lake gives up its colonies, vowing its eventual return. Our bug spray perimeter weakens and ants burst into the second floor through gaps in the bathroom baseboard.
WEEK 4 — The bathmats are consumed, but for the most part the ants are out of scraps. Some continue to make a living off crumbs in the kitchen. No matter how hard we try, the ants are still better at cleaning up food.
WEEK 5 — Spiders make their way into the house and install themselves in every radiator. Dead insects begin piling up nearby.
WEEK 6 — The first scattering of dandelion seeds spreads new plant growth on exposed dirt. It is a welcome replacement for the grass destroyed by delivery drivers while making three-point turns on pedestrian walkways.
WEEK 7 — Some wasps set up shop right underneath the roof, as a dry spell kicks in.
WEEK 8 — Another dumpster fire. I’m calling it.
WEEK 9 — Torrential rains drive the spiders even higher. Coincidentally, the wasp nest falls silent.
WEEK 10 — The portico is now made of spiderwebs. On closer inspection, the spiderwebs are crawling with baby spiders. Ducks and geese argue over control of the large pond where the path used to be. They agree to decide it with a match of king-of-the-hill, using the storm drain as the hill — the only thing not submerged.
WEEK 11 — The vines finally reach the second floor window. The now adolescent spider hatchlings scale the walls of the house and enter the attic. This week is unusually cold.
WEEK 12 — Everything in the house is covered under a thin layer of dust. Spiderwebs now line the stairs, ceiling, every window, and the shower, but one will have to look harder to find the actual spiders. (Hint: check the radiators.) The last few ants are camping out in the lower floor cupboard, but the damage is done; their entry points are marked with distinct dirt halos.
And just like that, the next round of first years move in, naively wondering how the previous tenants could possibly have been so neglectful. They will try to wait for the intruders to remove themselves naturally upon the next changing of the guard: the return of winter. But by the third week of the term, it will be quite apparent — someone will have to visit Sobeys and purchase a bottle of spider spray.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
This article was named article of the issue in mathNEWS v140i1 by the editors. terrifiED’s note:
This issue’s article of the issue is hereby issued to water for describing the issue of rez bug life with The Twelve Weeks of Spring Term, feat. CLV South! Sounding like a nature documentary outline, this article seriously could be read as a TV script. In fact, I read the entire thing in David Attenborough’s voice and was so captivated that I immediately spent the next 48 hours watching animal documentaries and videos of calving icebergs. I expect to see this on BBC 1 within the next 5 years and will be sorely disappointed if it it does not see digital, physical, or over-the-air distribution by then. I also expect this to win at least five Emmys, ten Oscars, royal patronage, and smash Detective Pikachu and Avengers: Endgame at the box office.
Come by MC 3030 to pick up your bug spray prize!